sitting out on the swing, wrapped in a warm beige sweater, listening to the birds chirping, daydreaming, blogging
But mostly wondering where the time went because I'm pretty sure that just last week, I was a 5th grader.
Looking at the calendar trying to figure out when the heck it became April 8th, 2016.
I've spent the past 14 years at GACC (gack) being prepared for this moment. I've spent 14 years listening to everyone tell me to follow my dreams.
I've always been a dreamer. Daydreams. Nightdreams. Crazy dreams. Unpredictable dreams.
I used to dream of living in the mountains. Of owning my own restaurant. I dreamt of building my own Tintern. But for the past few years, I mostly dreamt about the day I could pack my life away, and travel halfway across the country Leavig everything and everyone I had ever known.
A year ago, I dreamed that I would live to see tomorrow. I dreamt about finding a doctor who could tell me why I was stuck in a living hell. I dreamt about someone who could fix me.
I've been finding that "just follow your dreams" is one of the most overrated pieces of advice that everyone seems to give to Highschool seniors.
Am I following my dreams? Honestly, I'm not even sure how to answer that. In one sense, sadly, no, I'm not.
Fibromyalgia took everything I had, followed by almost everything I loved, and when it was done doing that, it took my dreams along with it. Does that mean I don't have dreams? No, it doesn't. It means I dream differently.
I dream of a day when I can haul my matte finish mahogany baby out of the closet, and make some music. I dream of a day when I can sit and eat pizza and drink chocolate milk. I dream of a day when I can do whatever I want, whenever I want without giving a thought to how I'll suffer after. I dream of a day when I can look all of the monsters that fill my body in the eye, and tell them that they're done winning, that I'll be taking control of my life once again. I dream of pain free days and rest filled nights.
I dream dreams that are only possible with God. I dream dreams that will most likely never come true.
Northeast was never my dream. I told my family that "over my dead body" would I go there, and ironically I am very much still alive.
God's been taking a lot of time these past few months to prove that his plans for me, are greater than my dreams ever could have been. That dreams I had never even dreamt of dreaming could come true. That people I didn't see becoming a part of my life even in my wildest dreams, could have a greater impact than anyone else.
It doesn't quite make sense, the feeling I had walking around Northeast's campus. It doesn't make sense that I could somehow feel at home there. And honestly it doesn't really make complete sense as to why I'm going there.
I'm not following my dreams, I'm trusting God with them. By doing that I know that one day, someday soon, it will all make sense. That I will understand why God sent me to a tiny community college less than an hour from my home. That his plan, will be greater and more perfect than my dreams ever could have been. God has his reasoning for everything he's doing in my life right now, and I can't wait to begin understanding it.
