"guarda quanto sono brava"

when I said I would attend northeast only "over my dead body." I meant it.

I've been spending the past 18 years being prepared for this day. 18 years of days spent in classrooms. 18 years of life lessons.

But honestly. Nothing can truly prepare you.

They told me to follow my dreams. They told me I could do anything I put my mind to. They told me to believe in myself. They told me to follow my heart.

I don't ever remember reading a chapter about what to do when you have to do exactly what you don't want to do. Maybe I was sick that day.

I don't remember what I'm supposed to tell myself on the first day of college, when I'm standing on the exact campus that was on the bottom of my list. 

I certainly don't remember learning about what to do when your entire life comes crashing down around you.

There are some lessons in life, that you just don't really learn until you live them.

I had always wondered what the first few days of college would bring, however I tried not to dwell on it.

I got about 3 hours of sleep the night before the first day, and walking onto campus, I think my heart definitely through a tantrum at what I was about to do.

In those few days, I felt like I was giving up. Like I was giving in. Like I was allowing my health to control everything.

I felt like I had given up on my dreams. Most importantly, I felt like I had given up on myself.

Once upon a time, Betta painted this on the wall in her bedroom, she was oh so very excited to show me what she had done, but even more excited to send the picture to her dad.

I truthfully didn't get it.

"Guarda quanto sono brava"

in English...

"Look how good I am"

But now, I understand. 

Sometimes in life, we do the unthinkable. We leave everything we've ever known to embark on a journey filled with uncertainty. 

I've always been the one with the gameplan. The freshman who knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life. The sophomore with the list of colleges. The junior who had chosen a college. The senior who had the next four years mapped out. 

15 hours from home. A double major in Theology and Catechetics with a concentration in youth ministry. Double minors in Franciscan studies and Spanish. A semester in Europe. People who were just like me. 

We plan. God laughs. 

Just like the apostles in the bible, I was casting my nets on the wrong side of the boat. Just like the apostles I heard Jesus, but that doesn't mean I listened. 

Yeah. I could have done it. I could have deliberately ignored him. I could have moved across the country. I could be chasing my dreams. 

But what good does it honestly do to chase after something that will only leave you empty handed? 

This was never the choice I wanted to make. I was drowning, and even though I knew that Jesus could walk on the water, I didn't want to let him save me. 

I was clinging and drowning under the weight of it all. 

So many people have disagreed with my decision. I had the test scores to get into any college I was interested in. I was accepted into a school with 200 undergrad. 

No one expected me to choose Community College. People were disappointed in my choice. 

But what seemed like a mid-life crisis at 18... Was honestly one of the best choices of my life. 

I've always said that if you trust in God and his plan, that he will reward you... However, I hadn't really experienced that. Being rewarded with more heartbreak and trials wasn't what I wanted to happen. 

The amount of heartbreak and tears it took to get me to NECC, was exponentially much larger than I ever would have wanted. 

But. The heartbreak. The tears. Make the joy that much greater. 

I'm happy. I'm really truly honestly happy. 

Yes, I'm still sick. Quite honestly sicker than I've really ever been. 

But the difference between then and now. Is that I'm happy. 

I got to the point where I just expected for things to go wrong, I didn't even like being happy because I didn't want my happiness to rely on something that could be taken away from me. 

My life honestly hasn't gone this good since about 5th grade. 

The storm was long and brutal, but the calm that I've been feeling, the calm after the storm, has been greater than I imagined. 

I haven't been genuinely happy in months. And even then, my happiness relied on someone else. 

I spent so long simply reminding myself to breathe, that the fact that I'm now thriving, brings tears into my eyes frequently. 

When I tell people that I'm doing great, they expect that my answer is filled with sarcasm. 

So. Real Life. I'm doing great. Better than I have in years. 

My days are filled with plants. I get to cuddle with bunnies at work. I have my own kitchen to bake cookies in. I have hope.