reflections in the mirror

I am that girl.

The girl people are whining and complaining about while shopping.

The girl who gets her clothes from the top of the pile.

The girl so small she can typically find jeans for about 80% off on the clearance rack.

That's me.

And even though you probably don't believe it, I've spent plenty of time staring in the mirror hating what I see. But I came to realize that I shouldnt be doing that, and neither should you.

There's been a post going around facebook, the one with the two pairs of shorts. A size 4 laying on top of a size 10. The shorts identical in size.

The post, was in general a great read.

Body image is a very real struggle in America. And I'm sure the girl who was a size 4 struggled with accepting that she was now a 10.

But I'm that girl. And while depending on the store, my size can vary. I'm her.

I'm the 00.

And a year ago. When I was wearing a size 5/6. I felt it. I hated that they made clothes as small as they do and whined because "no one that small is even healthy."

But I was wrong, and maybe you are too.

I don't want to be a 00. Actually, I hate it. I hate nothing more than when people look at me with envy and tell me "I wish I could be as small as you."

As a culture, we could really work on our views about body image.

We look down on people for being "too fat," turn around and try to make people feel bad for being "too small."

Embrace it. Embrace the body you've been given.

The number on your jeans. It's just a number. I promise you I hate the 00 as much as you hate the 12.

So let's all just stop.

Stop shaming. Stop hating. Stop guilting.

We are what we are.

Yes, stores are making clothes smaller. Accept it.

They're also making clothes bigger.

They're trying to appeal to a broader range of people. It's simple marketing. They're trying to sell to a younger age group. I promise you, that girls start shopping in American Eagle a lot younger than they used to. They don't want to sell "little kid" sizes. So they modified.

Embrace the body you've been given. Or shut up about it. Sure. Some girls are the size I am because they are trying to be. But I'm sure there are plenty much like me. I'm the size I am because of the life I'm living. I walk for two hours everyday. I do yoga. I don't sit on the couch. I eat Kale. I drink almond milk. I stay away from preservatives and foods that aren't natural.

Clothes are in smaller sizes, yes. But does smaller make those size any less real? Is my size any less real than yours?

And honestly, if clothing sizes ran the way most people want them to, I would forever be shopping in the little kids section.

you're perfect. just the way you are. remember that. today. tomorrow. forever.

"You are altogether beautiful my love, there is no flaw in you." -Song of Songs 4:7

here's to (never) growing up

here's to never growing up has been on repeat in my life for the past two weeks.

At first it was simply a song. A song that fit the timing of the coming week perfectly.

"singing here's to never growing up"

 While the catchy melody has a lot of truth behind it, and I realize that even though we must grow up, we must also stay young, I've grown up. In the past year and a half, I've been forced to grow up too fast.

My childhood was gone before I really even had a chance to understand what was going on.

Getting ready for graduation, realizing I would turn 18 in a few short days, preparing myself for moving out of the house in August. I thought I was taking the steps to adulthood at a nice, but faster than I would have liked, pace.

And then Thursday May 5th happened.

And while my life changed hugely on a rainy day in June, and a cold day in February... On a beautiful day in May... I realized that the summer I had been looking forward to for so long, that it was gone too.

I've learned that part of growing up, is making the hard choices, the hard choices that we don't want to make. It's saying yes, and placing complete trust in God, even when it seems like agreeing to his plan is the hardest thing in the world.

"stay, won't you stay forever stay, if you stay forever hey, we can stay forever young"

For years I wanted nothing more than to leave the town I've called  my home for the entirety of my life. But in the past few months, I've come to love the place. Mostly because of the people. Why would I want to leave a place where I was comfortable? A place where I had people I could count on? People who would support me in both the good and bad times?

I wanted to stay. I still do.

And even though I'm growing up, a part of me will stay forever young.

I got comfortable. I began to accept the trials I had been given. I was almost genuinely happy again.

I was finally okay with graduating, and turning 18, and moving away at the end of the summer.

Until the end of the summer... became the beginning...

Have you ever agreed to do something that would push you past your limits? Something that would surely break you? Something that you're surely not strong enough to handle?

When I told people that being sent away to a larger hospital was an option, while I knew it could happen... I never truly believed it actually would.

Growing up. The thing we've all been wanting since the day we turned 12.

And so that's what I'm doing. Growing up. Again.

In a few short weeks, this small town girl will move to the "big" city... and I'll start living a new adventure. An adventure I don't want to live.

While a brain is a brain and it really can't be altered in any way... we're going to try to rewire mine.

Yes. Rewire.

We're going to try to rewire my brain.

We're going to try to convince my brain that my everyday normal pain isn't pain, by putting it through an intense amount of pain.

In the form of physical therapy.

In a few weeks I'll be moving to Omaha. To complete an intense program of physical therapy through Children's Hospital.

Do I want to do it?

No. In fact spending a good portion of the summer after my senior year away from my classmates (many of whom I've finally come to learn to love), wasn't in my plan.

Yeah, I'll lie straight to your face, and tell you that I'm fine with it, but really, who would be excited about spending 5 weeks in a form of daily pt they call "bootcamp"?

I'd rather spend my summer camping, while wearing boots.

Will it work? Will I be fixed? We don't know. It could help. It could make it worse. The uncertainty of what will come of the adventure is quite large. But I'm confident that after its all said and done, that (along with having actual abs and muscles) I will have a greater amount of trust. That I will not only be physically stronger, but mentally and spiritually stronger too.

I'll be tested. I'll be pushed past my limits. There will be pain. There will be sweat. There will be tears. There will be doubt. There will be uncertainty.

But I'll live. And hopefully I'll even get around to thriving.

I'll need an insane amount of faith, courage, and trust to make it through. So keep me in your prayers. You'll certainly be in mine.

fibromyalgia awareness day

Happy Fibromyalgia Awareness Day!

While I'm more than happy to spread awareness, this is one day, I wish I didn't have to celebrate.

Most of the time, brutal honesty isn't necessary. But today, is an exception.

Fibromyalgia. The 12 letter word that changed my life 11 months ago. A word that gave a meaning to everything I had been feeling and fighting for so long. A word that described why simply living was such a hard activity for me.

But what exactly is fibromyalgia? I'm to the point where I can typically tell whether a person understands what I'm talking about or not just by the look on their face when I say the word.

"Fibromyalgia is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, and memory issues"

If there's one thing I've gotten used to doing in the past 11 months, it's describing exactly what this illness is and does.

Arthritis is a familiar term to most people, and in a sense, it's a lot like that. However fibro doesn't stop at your joints, it attacks your joints, muscles, and nervous system.

I've spent hours trying to come up with a part of my body that isn't affected by it. I have yet to come up with an actual answer to that one. Every single part of my body is affected somehow.

hands are just hands, until you're 16 and you can hardly pick up a pen to sign your name.

hair is just hair, until you're 17, sitting on your bathroom floor clutching yet another handful, a week before prom.

food is just food, until every bite you put into your body makes you want to throw up.

sleep is just sleep, until you're laying in your bed at 3 am for the fourth night in a row, knowing full well that you need to be up and functioning in 4 hours.

Fibromyalgia is like having the flu, shin splints in your entire body, and a migraine all at the same time, the day after being run over by a herd of buffalo.

Pain. Fatigue. Brain Fog. What's not to love?

It's been said, that to understand the fatigue fibro causes, a normal person would have to stay awake for three days and then try to function.

Brain fog is simply unexplainable, (mostly because I typed the q about ten times before I figured out that I wanted a g instead... ). Some days I try finding a word from inside my head, and even though I know I know the word, I can't get it out of my mouth, or even better yet, a different word comes out.

I get tired. I hurt. I get mad. I cry.

I'm still me.

Fibro took some of my patience, but in ways, it gave me more. Fibro took some of my calmness, but I'm more understanding. I'm less judgemental. Fibro took away my my ability to use my hands in the ways that I want to. Fibro took away my ability to drink chocolate milk. At one point in time, fibro had taken more than 20 pounds away from me.

I'm still me. Yes. I deal with an amount of pain you can't imagine or fathom. But, I've come to learn that pain isn't just a time of hopelessness and desolation. That pain can be used for a greater good. No, I won't really ever be able to see the fruits of my pain. But, knowing that I can offer up my pain as a sacrifice and a prayer for someone who needs it, somehow makes it worth it. It gives me the grace I need to smile and laugh because I know that if fibromyalgia can't ruin me, nothing can.