here's to (never) growing up

here's to never growing up has been on repeat in my life for the past two weeks.

At first it was simply a song. A song that fit the timing of the coming week perfectly.

"singing here's to never growing up"

 While the catchy melody has a lot of truth behind it, and I realize that even though we must grow up, we must also stay young, I've grown up. In the past year and a half, I've been forced to grow up too fast.

My childhood was gone before I really even had a chance to understand what was going on.

Getting ready for graduation, realizing I would turn 18 in a few short days, preparing myself for moving out of the house in August. I thought I was taking the steps to adulthood at a nice, but faster than I would have liked, pace.

And then Thursday May 5th happened.

And while my life changed hugely on a rainy day in June, and a cold day in February... On a beautiful day in May... I realized that the summer I had been looking forward to for so long, that it was gone too.

I've learned that part of growing up, is making the hard choices, the hard choices that we don't want to make. It's saying yes, and placing complete trust in God, even when it seems like agreeing to his plan is the hardest thing in the world.

"stay, won't you stay forever stay, if you stay forever hey, we can stay forever young"

For years I wanted nothing more than to leave the town I've called  my home for the entirety of my life. But in the past few months, I've come to love the place. Mostly because of the people. Why would I want to leave a place where I was comfortable? A place where I had people I could count on? People who would support me in both the good and bad times?

I wanted to stay. I still do.

And even though I'm growing up, a part of me will stay forever young.

I got comfortable. I began to accept the trials I had been given. I was almost genuinely happy again.

I was finally okay with graduating, and turning 18, and moving away at the end of the summer.

Until the end of the summer... became the beginning...

Have you ever agreed to do something that would push you past your limits? Something that would surely break you? Something that you're surely not strong enough to handle?

When I told people that being sent away to a larger hospital was an option, while I knew it could happen... I never truly believed it actually would.

Growing up. The thing we've all been wanting since the day we turned 12.

And so that's what I'm doing. Growing up. Again.

In a few short weeks, this small town girl will move to the "big" city... and I'll start living a new adventure. An adventure I don't want to live.

While a brain is a brain and it really can't be altered in any way... we're going to try to rewire mine.

Yes. Rewire.

We're going to try to rewire my brain.

We're going to try to convince my brain that my everyday normal pain isn't pain, by putting it through an intense amount of pain.

In the form of physical therapy.

In a few weeks I'll be moving to Omaha. To complete an intense program of physical therapy through Children's Hospital.

Do I want to do it?

No. In fact spending a good portion of the summer after my senior year away from my classmates (many of whom I've finally come to learn to love), wasn't in my plan.

Yeah, I'll lie straight to your face, and tell you that I'm fine with it, but really, who would be excited about spending 5 weeks in a form of daily pt they call "bootcamp"?

I'd rather spend my summer camping, while wearing boots.

Will it work? Will I be fixed? We don't know. It could help. It could make it worse. The uncertainty of what will come of the adventure is quite large. But I'm confident that after its all said and done, that (along with having actual abs and muscles) I will have a greater amount of trust. That I will not only be physically stronger, but mentally and spiritually stronger too.

I'll be tested. I'll be pushed past my limits. There will be pain. There will be sweat. There will be tears. There will be doubt. There will be uncertainty.

But I'll live. And hopefully I'll even get around to thriving.

I'll need an insane amount of faith, courage, and trust to make it through. So keep me in your prayers. You'll certainly be in mine.