that 12 letter f word

One word changed my entire life, and in that sense, I'm not alone, so many people have gone through similar situations in their lives. One Doctor's Appointment. One Diagnosis. One word.

A 12 letter f word.

The 12 letter word that changed my entire life. The 12 letter word that has challenged me in more ways than I imagined possible.

12 simple letters. I never imagined that 12 simple letters could change so much. That 12 simple letters could challenge me so much. That 12 letters could affect me so much. 12 simple letters.

Fibromyalgia.

A word that a year ago, I couldn't have spelled. A word that I hate saying.

Fibromyalgia.

A simple word really. A simple word that, on a rainy day in the beginning of June, changed my life.

A word that challenged everything I had previously known to be true, and everything that I thought would eventually become true.

A word that I came to hate. A word that I convinced myself didn't have to affect me if I pretended that it didnt exist. A word that I ignored.

A word, that made me "lucky." Being diagnosed with something, at 17, that most people don't get until they're 40. Lucky.

The thing about an unofficial diagnosis, is that it's just that. Unofficial. The thing about and official diagnosis, is that it's just that. Official.

You can't run from it anymore. And on a cold day in February, I stopped running. And since that day, just a short month ago, I've tried running. But I've come to realize that running, solves nothing. Running changes nothing. Running won't make fibro go away. Running won't change my situation.

While this may make it seem like I'm completely fine with telling people what's wrong with me, I'm not. I don't like admitting it.

Looking in the eyes of the people that I love more than anything else in the world, and explaining that I'm sick. That I will be. That this is my life. I hate it more than anything else in the world.

Admitting that some days, I just can't do it. That some days, I need help. Admitting that I can't do everything I used to be able to do, or everything that I wish I could do.

It breaks my heart.

I hate seeing people look at me with pity. This isn't my choice. But, it is my life. It can't define everything. While it's completely changed me. I'm still the same girl that I was a year ago. A year ago when I first truly began this journey.

In a time when most people would completely turn their back on God, I've been clinging to him. And in that perspective, I actually am one of the lucky ones. Life always has a purpose. Even a life of pain. It is through my faith, that my pain and my suffering has a purpose.

It is through my faith that I can join my suffering with His, and realize that even on the days when I feel as though I can't possibly go on, that Jesus has my back. That he always will.

That suffering isn't a reason to turn my back on him. He suffered for me. So why shouldn't I suffer?

It's because of Him that I haven't given up. It's because of Him that I keep fighting.

Yes, I have fibro. However, fibro does not have me. Fibro does not define me
 Sure it's changed me, but I'm still me.
 I'm just a new, more understanding, more relaxed version of me.

I wake up everyday and fight a battle most people can't fathom. I hate what it does to me. Some days I avoid mirrors. Other days, I avoid everything. But at the end of the day, it's making me stronger, and while I don't quite understand what the exact purpose of it is, someday, I will.

(stay tuned for a "what the heck is fibro?" post)

magic wands, acceptance, and trying to cope

"I'm sorry, I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make everything better, but I can't, it's going to take time"

The amount of times I've heard that great line in the past 3 years... Is far too many.

What I would give for a magic wand... {My chacos, my collection of brookside chocolate, my eno...?}

We don't believe in magic. We believe in a God who loves us above all things. We believe in a God who loves us so much that he sent his only son to die for us.

We don't believe in magic. We believe in God. And really. Who's the real winner there?

We are. Clearly.

Our God is greater than anything else that could ever exist. Our God is greater. Our God is higher. Our God is stronger.

Some days we just have to remember that. We have to remember to be thankful. We have to remember that even though Jesus defeated Satan, conquered hell, and won heaven for us, that suffering still exists.

We like to think that a God who really truly loves us... Wouldn't put us through hellish days. That he would protect from all sorts of evil. That we won't have to live through hard days.

I don't have an exact answer as to why we suffer. I've been desperately searching for an answer to that question for the past few months.

Waking up in so much pain that I can't move. Feeling as though those days are behind me and that I'm the real winner, that I'm a warrior. Feeling like I am stronger than my body's will to attack and attempt to destroy itself.

Having those days where I can't get out of bed come back and hit me out of nowhere. Get knocked down. Fall flat on my face. And wonder why out of all of the people on this earth, why me. Having those days where I wake up in so much pain I can't move begin to come more frequently.

But why not me? What makes me better than anyone else?

Some days. I feel as though acceptance is way beyond my reach, no matter how hard I try to grasp it. And other days, I feel as if I'm coming to terms with this new life I've been chosen to live. 

It's a process. A process that I struggle with daily. A 10 letter word that some day, I will reach. A 10 letter word that will make me a stronger person.

I'm not there yet. But I'm trying to cope with where I am currently. I'll get to acceptance when I'm meant to, and not a moment before.

Sure there are days like today when I feel as though nothing else could possibly go wrong, and then God feels the need to prove that indeed, things can always get worse. {Yes, in my emotional state, I did shed a tear, and later had a good laugh, over the perfect prom dress that was supposed to be coming in the mail, that came well not really quite so perfect.}

Things can always get worse. Things can always be worse.

God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. God only gives us what we can handle. I personally feel that God is placing a bit to much trust in me currently, but who am I to question him?

So magic wands, acceptance and coping. The first doesn't exist, the second is coming, in its own time, and the third, is my current choice. Coping. I'm not where I want to be. But I'm better than I was yesterday. I'm coping. I'm not loving the struggles. I'm not dealing with the pain in as good of a way as I could be. But I'm coping. And for now, that's enough. The rest. The rest will come.

breathing

breathing, living, thriving

If I could pick a word to describe the past few weeks, it most certainly would not be thriving, and even living is being a bit to enthusiastic about the whole thing.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Waking up to find that the temperature has suddenly dropped 20°...

Breathes in deeply.

Waking up to find the earth covered in white powder.

Breathes in deeply. Hides under a new layer of blankets. Snuggles in closer to the cat.

It's quite odd how a select group of us can be so "connected" with the things going on in our atmosphere while everyone else seems immune to it. I used to think people who could predict the weather were a bit, well, a bit off. And now here I am with full knowledge of what's going on outside before I even peek out the window.

I love this great vastness of complete nothingness and cornfields that I call my home. However if someone offered me a one way ticket to some place warm and dry, I certainly wouldn't be arguing.

A year ago I unknowingly had my first "flare." I thought I was dying. I now understand that it is possible to feel like you're dying while still being quite alive. Some people say that pain makes them feel alive, and in that case, I feel very, very alive right now.

Breathing.

Breathing and laying still. Avoiding anything that could make the pain worse. Breathing and laughing. Breathing and crying. Because sometimes you just have to roll with it. Follow your emotions. Ride the wave to shore.

Breathing and understanding that while the changing of seasons is a beautiful thing, that for the rest of my life, it will take a great amount of patience with myself to get through it. Breathing and realizing that in order to see the vibrant flowers that i love so dearly covering the landscape, I have to first make it through today.

Taking it day by day because as my mother always tells me "the only way to eat an elephant is to take it one bite at a time." I tried looking at the big picture yesterday, and then I realized, why focus on tomorrow, when today has to be gotten through first.

So I'm sitting here. Breathing. Remaining calm. Trying to find the patience I need to handle myself for the short time I have before I crawl into my bed and try to restore my body.

Remembering that simply breathing is enough to live. That breathing will get me through. That reminding myself to breathe is the first step.

And that in a few minutes when I face the mountain in my life that most people call a staircase, that rather than wanting to cry at the thought of climbing back up it, I'll breathe.

There are constantly going to be mountains in our lives, and I'm confident that if we remind ourselves to simply breathe, we can conquer anything.

°breathe°live°thrive°