that 12 letter f word

One word changed my entire life, and in that sense, I'm not alone, so many people have gone through similar situations in their lives. One Doctor's Appointment. One Diagnosis. One word.

A 12 letter f word.

The 12 letter word that changed my entire life. The 12 letter word that has challenged me in more ways than I imagined possible.

12 simple letters. I never imagined that 12 simple letters could change so much. That 12 simple letters could challenge me so much. That 12 letters could affect me so much. 12 simple letters.

Fibromyalgia.

A word that a year ago, I couldn't have spelled. A word that I hate saying.

Fibromyalgia.

A simple word really. A simple word that, on a rainy day in the beginning of June, changed my life.

A word that challenged everything I had previously known to be true, and everything that I thought would eventually become true.

A word that I came to hate. A word that I convinced myself didn't have to affect me if I pretended that it didnt exist. A word that I ignored.

A word, that made me "lucky." Being diagnosed with something, at 17, that most people don't get until they're 40. Lucky.

The thing about an unofficial diagnosis, is that it's just that. Unofficial. The thing about and official diagnosis, is that it's just that. Official.

You can't run from it anymore. And on a cold day in February, I stopped running. And since that day, just a short month ago, I've tried running. But I've come to realize that running, solves nothing. Running changes nothing. Running won't make fibro go away. Running won't change my situation.

While this may make it seem like I'm completely fine with telling people what's wrong with me, I'm not. I don't like admitting it.

Looking in the eyes of the people that I love more than anything else in the world, and explaining that I'm sick. That I will be. That this is my life. I hate it more than anything else in the world.

Admitting that some days, I just can't do it. That some days, I need help. Admitting that I can't do everything I used to be able to do, or everything that I wish I could do.

It breaks my heart.

I hate seeing people look at me with pity. This isn't my choice. But, it is my life. It can't define everything. While it's completely changed me. I'm still the same girl that I was a year ago. A year ago when I first truly began this journey.

In a time when most people would completely turn their back on God, I've been clinging to him. And in that perspective, I actually am one of the lucky ones. Life always has a purpose. Even a life of pain. It is through my faith, that my pain and my suffering has a purpose.

It is through my faith that I can join my suffering with His, and realize that even on the days when I feel as though I can't possibly go on, that Jesus has my back. That he always will.

That suffering isn't a reason to turn my back on him. He suffered for me. So why shouldn't I suffer?

It's because of Him that I haven't given up. It's because of Him that I keep fighting.

Yes, I have fibro. However, fibro does not have me. Fibro does not define me
 Sure it's changed me, but I'm still me.
 I'm just a new, more understanding, more relaxed version of me.

I wake up everyday and fight a battle most people can't fathom. I hate what it does to me. Some days I avoid mirrors. Other days, I avoid everything. But at the end of the day, it's making me stronger, and while I don't quite understand what the exact purpose of it is, someday, I will.

(stay tuned for a "what the heck is fibro?" post)