magic wands, acceptance, and trying to cope

"I'm sorry, I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make everything better, but I can't, it's going to take time"

The amount of times I've heard that great line in the past 3 years... Is far too many.

What I would give for a magic wand... {My chacos, my collection of brookside chocolate, my eno...?}

We don't believe in magic. We believe in a God who loves us above all things. We believe in a God who loves us so much that he sent his only son to die for us.

We don't believe in magic. We believe in God. And really. Who's the real winner there?

We are. Clearly.

Our God is greater than anything else that could ever exist. Our God is greater. Our God is higher. Our God is stronger.

Some days we just have to remember that. We have to remember to be thankful. We have to remember that even though Jesus defeated Satan, conquered hell, and won heaven for us, that suffering still exists.

We like to think that a God who really truly loves us... Wouldn't put us through hellish days. That he would protect from all sorts of evil. That we won't have to live through hard days.

I don't have an exact answer as to why we suffer. I've been desperately searching for an answer to that question for the past few months.

Waking up in so much pain that I can't move. Feeling as though those days are behind me and that I'm the real winner, that I'm a warrior. Feeling like I am stronger than my body's will to attack and attempt to destroy itself.

Having those days where I can't get out of bed come back and hit me out of nowhere. Get knocked down. Fall flat on my face. And wonder why out of all of the people on this earth, why me. Having those days where I wake up in so much pain I can't move begin to come more frequently.

But why not me? What makes me better than anyone else?

Some days. I feel as though acceptance is way beyond my reach, no matter how hard I try to grasp it. And other days, I feel as if I'm coming to terms with this new life I've been chosen to live. 

It's a process. A process that I struggle with daily. A 10 letter word that some day, I will reach. A 10 letter word that will make me a stronger person.

I'm not there yet. But I'm trying to cope with where I am currently. I'll get to acceptance when I'm meant to, and not a moment before.

Sure there are days like today when I feel as though nothing else could possibly go wrong, and then God feels the need to prove that indeed, things can always get worse. {Yes, in my emotional state, I did shed a tear, and later had a good laugh, over the perfect prom dress that was supposed to be coming in the mail, that came well not really quite so perfect.}

Things can always get worse. Things can always be worse.

God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. God only gives us what we can handle. I personally feel that God is placing a bit to much trust in me currently, but who am I to question him?

So magic wands, acceptance and coping. The first doesn't exist, the second is coming, in its own time, and the third, is my current choice. Coping. I'm not where I want to be. But I'm better than I was yesterday. I'm coping. I'm not loving the struggles. I'm not dealing with the pain in as good of a way as I could be. But I'm coping. And for now, that's enough. The rest. The rest will come.